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{{cytat
| Leszek the White stayed out of crusades by arguing that there was no beer in the Holy Land; Pope Innocent III granted him a dispensation.
| źródło = {{Cyt
| nazwisko = Fałat
{{cytat
| <poem>A vow he once made
To join a crusade,
But then suddenly he would say,
“This honour’s not mine,
For in Palestine
There is no Palukian ale.”
’Tis a terrible day
Which passes away
With no ale! No ale!</poem>
As with any such oft-repeated story, the question is: did it really happen?
== A Game of the Cracow Throne ==
[[File:Etykieta Leszek.jpg|thumb|upright|A 2002 label of Leszek Premium beer brand]]
Let’s start with simpler questions: who was this Lestek the White? And did he really intend to take the cross and travel to the Holy Land?
Lestek, known as ``the White" “the White” due to his blond hair, was one of the youngest grandsons of Boleslav Wrymouth,<ref>I've I’ve adjusted the spelling of all medieval Polish names in this post to make them more pronounceable to English speakers. Back then, people didn't didn’t even know how spell their own names, so I believe that's that’s OK.</ref> the duke who divided Poland amongst his sons. Boleslav’s sons divided their parts among their sons and so forth, with Poland growing into a loose collection of ever smaller duchies. In Lestek’s times, the political situation in Poland resembled that in the novels of the ''A Song of Ice and Fire'' series by George R.R. Martin. In Westeros there is supposedly one realm with one king, but in fact each of the eight regions (the old seven kingdoms plus the Riverlands) is ruled by a local great lord. All these lords are constantly fighting each other by all means possible – from diplomatic marriages to kidnappings, poisonings, assassinations, to all-out wars. The nominal king is whoever, at the given moment, controls the capital city and is able to physically sit on the Iron Throne.
In 13th-century Poland there was also supposedly a single kingdom (but no king) divided into several regions, each ruled by a local duke – a grandson or great-grandson of Boleslav Wrymouth – aided by local lords. All (or almost all) of these dukes were constantly fighting each other by all means possible – from diplomatic marriages to kidnappings, poisonings, assassinations, to all-out wars. The nominal high duke of all Poland was whoever, at the given moment, controlled the capital city and was able to physically sit on the throne in Cracow. Starting from the year 1205, this would have been our Lestek.
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{{Legenda|#4A2372|Masovian branch}}
{{Legenda|#A41E1D|Lesser Poland branch}}
}}
[[File:leszek bez piwa.jpg|thumb|left|``What “What do you mean, no beer?"”]]So it’s true! It’s this one brief mention in the papal letter that made future historians label Lestek as a lazy, obese drunk. Especially that ``having “having changed habit into nature" nature” sounds very much like a nice euphemism for ``being “being an alcoholic"alcoholic”. But there’s a few things here that don’t look right…
First of all, what kind of alcoholism makes you drink beer and mead, but stay away from wine? Secondly, how come the pope bought an excuse so flimsy? And does ``“''corporis gravedine gravis''" ” really mean ``heavy “heavy in his body"body”? This Latin fragment could be also translated as ``being “being full of catarrh" catarrh” or ``suffering “suffering from a heavy cold"cold”. Anyway, I suspect that Lestek was trying to excuse his failure to join the crusade with some grave illness, and the necessity to replace wine and water in his diet with beer and mead was not necessarily his personal preference, but a medical prescription. Yes, I know, neither a cold nor being overweight would let me get away with not showing up to work, but perhaps medieval attitudes to sick leaves were more relaxed?
It’s also possible that the pope was simply being sarcastic. What he meant was perhaps something like, ``look “look at this northern brute who promised to go on a crusade, but now says he doesn't doesn’t feel like it! The fat drunken sloth who probably can't can’t even live without those barbaric northern drinks like beer and mead!" ” But if this was the case, then what convinced the pope to forgive Lestek and not excommunicate him after all? Well, what could have worked was what the duke offered as a replacement.
{{cytat
| Being a neighbour to the Prussians, he may easily enter their land with a large force and not only defend the neophytes, but also convert other pagans with his effort and diligence.
| źródło = ''ibid''.
| oryg = {{...}} cum vicinus Prutenie, facile potest eam intrate cum multitudine bellatorum, non solum defensurus neophitos, verum eciam alias paganos suo studio et dilligentia faciente domino conversurus {{...}}
The three major differences between these Polish watchmen and the Night’s Watch is that the former didn’t require chastity vows, they didn’t have a giant ice wall at their disposal and they didn’t last eight thousand years, but only… less than two. One night the Prussians attacked one of the strongholds; some of the knights died defending it, while others ran for their lives. Back in the capital, this led to a civil war between House Odrovonsh, whose sons had died in the battle, and House Griffin, whose members were decried as cravens and traitors. The Griffins escaped (again) to Silesia, where they talked Henry the Bearded into capturing Cracow while Lestek was away and claiming the title of high duke for himself. Lestek retook Cracow only a week later, but while the dukes were duking it out, the neglected watch entirely collapsed.
[[File:The death of Leszek the White.jpg|thumb|left|upright=1.2|Lestek's Lestek’s death as painted by Jan Matejko in 1880]]
In 1227, Lestek called a summit of all Polish dukes at Gonsava in Paluki, the border region between Masovia, Greater Poland and Pomerania. We don’t know exactly what points were on the agenda, but it most likely had something to do with ending the feud between Spitter and Spindleshanks over Greater Poland and bringing Swantopolk to heel, as he was trying to free Pomerania from Polish rule. Lestek from Cracow, Conrad from Masovia, Henry the Bearded from Silesia, Vladislav Spindleshanks from Greater Poland, as well as many bishops and great lords, all came to Gonsava. Only two key participants were missing: Vladislav Spitter and Swantopolk. After almost two weeks, it was decided that there was no point waiting any longer and most people started heading back home. Lestek and Henry lingered on, though. Did they want to talk some things over in private or had they drunk so hard that they were unfit for a journey home (Henry had the same reputation as Lestek in this regard)? We don’t know. But it was then, in the early morning of 24 November, when Spitter and Swantopolk finally showed up – along with their henchmen. Henry, whom they assaulted in his bed, was wounded, but it was his loyal knight, Peregrin of Weissenburg, who took the fatal blow. Meanwhile, Lestek was attacked while having a bath. Somehow this allegedly obese, hung-over forty-something was able to escape the assailants, run naked from the bathhouse to the stable, jump on a horse and ride off into a snow-covered forest (back then, the climate was colder and Poland was more forested). Unfortunately, the assassins caught up with him 2 kilometres away.
A short time before that, Conrad concluded that his brother’s peaceful approach towards the Prussians was going nowhere and it would be better to hire the Teutonic Knights to do the job of converting his pagan neighbours. It must have seemed like a good idea at the time; who would have known that he had just caused Poland a series of problems that would only end in 1945? For the time being, it just meant less trouble with the Prussians.
It would only be the next generation of Polish dukes who had to face an invasion so terrifying, that the Prussian raids would seem like a mild nuisance in comparison. Even the combined forces of the Teutonic Knights and the sons of Lestek and Henry the Bearded were unable to stop the hosts led by the Night King— I mean, Baidar, grandson of Chinghis Khan<ref>``Chinghis Khan" “Chinghis Khan” is a less common spelling than ``Genghis Khan"“Genghis Khan”, but it's it’s closer to original Mongolian pronunciation.</ref> (who, incidentally, had died the same year as Lestek). Apart from fire and destruction, did these Mongol-Tatar hordes also bring recipës for tartar sauce and steak tartare? Well, that’s a topic for another post.
{{Przypisy|Notes}}